This has been a tough week. I feel like I put so much of my identity in my previous relationship, I’m having a tough time rediscovering myself and handling being single full-time. And honestly, I think being single is overrated.
Although we have been technically broken up for about a year now, we still spent so much time together (see previous post). I looked forward seeing her at the end of my weekdays and on the weekends. We were very close and I feel we could talk to each other about everything. Now that things are over over, all I can think about is all the things I did wrong. We are both 4th year medical students and we have plans to go to completely different places next year after graduation. I think I’ve been having a tough time accepting that which has led me to be both depressed and distant, which I theorize why maybe she wanted to end things.
Yet, I am still hurt over the revelation that she has been seeing someone else. She is currently on vacation in another country. We actually talked on facebook messenger for a couple of days after the break up while she has been over there. She even requested that we continue talking on fb given that she doesn’t have many english-based conversations while in that country. At first, I was up for IT. I do miss her. But on the other hand, I still have a lot of anger toward her, and a part of me just doesn’t like the idea of her expecting me to be her safety net while she is having fun dating other people. So I told her again that I needed some space.
But the thing is, a large part of me does want to be her safety net. I love her. I want to be there for her always, but I wish there was reciprocity. I just don’t like feeling used…
I didn’t think that I would say this until I was 30, but I want a serious relationship. I can confidently say that I am now that guy. I want to find somebody who would be willing to commit and invest in a relationship that could lead toward marriage. I want to support and be supported. I want to change and grow with my partner in a 1000 different ways before I die.
I think that life is too unpredictable and can end at any time. I want to spend whatever time I have left in a completely supported relationship and in the embrace of someone I love.
What are your thoughts?